A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
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if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
happy valentine’s day to me
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!