A drum solo but on your face.
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If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
DOOO EEEET
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool