a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
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Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
We need more people like this.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home