@gobmentcheese: Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself. Me: I'm very attracted to you right now.

@SophieMartini: My prom date everybody

@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: What are Nazis? Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago 5: Why were they bad? Me: They kept correcting our grammar

@iRowlf: Lowe's banned me for yelling "From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!", as I explained how much carpet I needed.

@AGreaterMonster: The mechanic has informed me that the shrieking sound I hear in my car on my way to work is apparently me.