@AnkCoupleTO: Her: I'm pregnant Me: WHAT? H: Just kidding M: You scared me half to death H: My mom is coming to stay with us M: *the other half dies*

@Amusitr0n: *bullies advance* STOP! Im a black belt in Shaq Fu! <laughter> *detectives arrive* Jesus, were these heads slam-dunked? Where r the bodies?

@TrueTorontoGirl: Brain: We've got lots to do today. Body: You're on your own buddy.

@Schmoodles: My friend texts "ur" instead of "you're" but puts extra letters in "so" because she's "soooo happy." This is why everyone hates you, Julie.

@andylassner: I said "no" to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance. In 2016 I plan on saying "maybe" more and then changing it to "no".