@JKNenagh: a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said... don't do it man ... you will never here the end of it!
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@gobmentcheese: Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself. Me: I'm very attracted to you right now.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: What are Nazis? Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago 5: Why were they bad? Me: They kept correcting our grammar
@iRowlf: Lowe's banned me for yelling "From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!", as I explained how much carpet I needed.