@tastefactory: JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses? HE-MAN: Well, I- *job interviewer's fake mustache falls off and it's Skeletor*

@weismanjake: My cat just walked by me carrying a toy mouse I don't remember buying her. Women be shoppin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@BetteMidler: Donald Trump calls on Hillary to shut down her foundation. Meanwhile, we’re all still begging him to choose a more natural color for his.

@Squizbot: I would never cheat in a relationship because that would require two people finding me attractive.

@QwertyJones3: "Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?" TRUMP: I'll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we're going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld