a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
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If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”