A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds