@OneWonderWoman: A facebook friend posted, "I'm not ashamed of Jesus." It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, "Uh oh. What did he do now?"
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@UNTRESOR: Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
@super_morgasm: You shouldn't be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
@ArfMeasures: [1st date] DATE: When I'm with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French ME [leans across] Oh really? DATE: Yes