There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
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My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Every house has this drawer
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*