A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
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My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
🐕🍷
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!