A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
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What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice