@MikeHornick: A fake ID that says you're only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
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@joeyfullystated: Stranger man at the beach asked me, "Y'all got a boat?" I said we have three, but they're old Fisher-Price models. It took him a moment.
@simoncholland: [Produce Aisle] Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave. *mouthful of like 20 grapes * "That lady took one too!!"
@Dawn_M_: Just once I'd like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
@junejuly12: Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid's school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.