@DanMentos: A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
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@Social_Mime: Cop - Have you been drinking? Me - No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here. Cop - Sir that's a fire hydrant.
@LizHackett: A child in the coffee shop cried and cried until she was given a cake pop, and as I walked past, I whispered, "Your technique is flawless."
@Book_Krazy: *Aquarium GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off...ma'am don't flash the octopus ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
@KyleMcDowell86: "Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby's coming" "We're not bring ur new chainsaw-" "HER NAME'S DEBBY"