A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
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Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body