Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
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I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Netflix My bladder
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Streaming on demand
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.