Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
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The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!