All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
You Might Also Like
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.