@shawn_spree: A Febreze commercial but with pot head teenagers trying not to get busted by their parents that had just walked in the house.
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@fuzzlime: A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they're not too happy.
@Woody_B_: Friend: what the hell is that? Me: it's my putter, I made it myself from peanuts Friend: that's dumb! Me: don't be jelly of my peanut-putter
@joshgondelman: Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I'm mostly terrified by how I'll never be able to afford to own a home.
@longwall26: Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It's like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.