Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
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[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
You are not alone 💚
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video