A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
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People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement