A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
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there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Inside you there are two wolves
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.