@simoncholland: A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He's almost finished.
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@Sean_Burgundy_: My gf always tells me to shower her with compliments, but when I woke her up with the hose while calling her beautiful she yelled at me
@Jandalize: With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
@jazmasta: [Chumbawumba concert] 🎶 I get knocked down, but I get up again.. 🎶 [whack-a-mole just goin nuts in the crowd] "Aw hell yeah!"