@simoncholland: A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He's almost finished.
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@mattgallo123: The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
@gojarbe: [gun goes off] [every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race] ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
@ieatanddrink: Just heard that distinct "baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor" sound
@michael_raphone: Actually, the past tense is 'hanged' as in 'he hanged himself'. Sorry about your dad, though