A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
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Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Ron is short for Aaronald
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.