@simoncholland: A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He's almost finished.
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@ChipKellysBalls: To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find ...
@ilovepie84: Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You're welcome.
@JordanPeele: I've been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she "can't survive on dry land."