A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
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hmm conte-me mais
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
twitter users today:
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
this was the best i’ve ever seen
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix