[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
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Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
can’t talk my ride’s here
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.