[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
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A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Awwwww shit.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭