A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
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When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*