I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
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Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Cheer up.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
This was my dad’s browser history.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
no!! no!!!!!!
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit