A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
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Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Just parrot things
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.