A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
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Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
the red hot silly peppers
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!