@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
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*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
12653.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*