A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
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Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do