I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
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one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Oh my God.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.