ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
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Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Sing it!
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.