@Mikecanrant: A flash mob has nothing to do with a bunch of Italians in trench coats hanging out at a playground, apparently.
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@squirrel74wkgn: [cat mom giving birth] Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit- WHAT THE, twins! OMG triplets...holy shit, 4? (sweating)...5? WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
@TheTimmyToes: (car dealer) is the passenger seat also heated? "Aww for ur wife?" *imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru* yes
@SerialFuckup: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
@TheMichaelRock: Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15. Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.