[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
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Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich