A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
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It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.