A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
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“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me