A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
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Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks