A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
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What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.