A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
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Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I have never related to anyone more.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Breaking news:
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.