A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
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Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.