A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
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Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Name this drama.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?