A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
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It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
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Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.