@zachreinert03: A friend asked if I thought there was alien life on other planets and I was like don't give up hope, there's someone out there for you
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@TheBeerGuy73: My ex texted "You've got a friend in me. XoXo". I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
@BlackCheesePie: this is your brain *points to egg* but this is your brain ON DRUGS *puts egg on pile of drugs*
@DrDogMD: PATIENT: Doc, I haven't been able to bone my wife lately and I really think- DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
@Crutnacker: Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn't recalled because it was too secure. Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.