@zachreinert03: A friend asked if I thought there was alien life on other planets and I was like don't give up hope, there's someone out there for you
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@QuinOShea: When my wife said let's do something fun for our anniversary I had no idea she meant together. I'm a man not a mind reader. I forgive you.
@ArcaneAndAdrift: Police arrested 2 kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off
@doktorj: A horror movie, but the monster chasing me is my coworker that wants to tell me about her date last night. *twists ankle by the copier