Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
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“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended