A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
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Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
superman landing like a plane on his belly
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
went fishing caught a bass
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.