@Xoolun: A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
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@TheReal_AndyMac: The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer per year. That's 41 miles per gallon...which is not bad.
@mommajessiec: 6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time. Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet* 6yo: Oh no.
@raniao2011: For all those men who say"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
@ericsshadow: [eulogy] "Before we get started I'd like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased's 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones"