@JumpOnMyTutu: *Squats down to look for food in the refrigerator* Fitness.

@withanewname: [Installing ceiling fan] Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished! Wife on the phone: Is this Bob's fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

@carlyken: How To Tell A Girl Is Mad: 1. She tells you she's mad 2. She tells you she's not mad 3. She sets your stuff on fire 4. She sets you on fire

@topaz_kell: Throwing a grenade at someone who's taking a selfie is photobombing, right?

@JosesLovesYou: I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet