@Xoolun: A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
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@VelouriaDaze: *walks into lift* Guy: going down? Me: I'll need a first date for that. *silence* *doors open* Dammit Twitter!
@copymama: After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread: “This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
@AnkCoupleTO: Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife's trying to murder you Me: How'd you know? P: *sees knife in my back* I'm good
@SEvans_author: I'm not saying animals are better than ppl, I'm just saying you've never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication