@VelouriaDaze: *walks into lift* Guy: going down? Me: I'll need a first date for that. *silence* *doors open* Dammit Twitter!

@copymama: After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread: “This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.

@AnkCoupleTO: Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife's trying to murder you Me: How'd you know? P: *sees knife in my back* I'm good

@SEvans_author: I'm not saying animals are better than ppl, I'm just saying you've never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

@ashmensch: *steps on Lego* *stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos* *throws all Legos away* *Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*