@Xoolun: A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
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@TheToddWilliams: [F*R*I*E*N*D*S] ROSS {barging into Monica's apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!! MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?! ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
@TheToddWilliams: [team tryouts] Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park. Jimmy: Thanks Coach! Coach: This is tennis.
@nimble__nick: Get off my lawn. Oh, it's you. Mow the lawn. -My dad
@squirrel74wkgn: Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop? Me: ...dog?
@LoriLuvsShoes: My biggest regret of 2014? Probably when my husband watched "The Notebook" with me and then I yelled at him for not building me a house
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