@Meet_Joe_Cool: Potty training my twins is like the Titanic's maiden voyage... In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

@DurtMcHurtt: I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

@dmc1138: While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I've quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

@KKAlThani: I make the stupidest excuses just to skip the gym. *burns tongue while drinking coffee* "Oh no! I really wanted to go to the gym today!"

@fuzzlime: Runs with scissors Gets hit by bus