@Xoolun: A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
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@panmidwest: SISTER: i'm engaged! ME: awwwwwwwwewwww SISTER: did you sneak an 'ew' in there ME: …no
@GreenishDuck: You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells "IT'S JUST A POTATO!" #ambien
@mattingebretson: I hate when a grocery clerk judges you for what you put on the checkout belt. I found that dead cat behind YOUR store & now I want to buy it
@ericallenhatch: THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.