@Xoolun: A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
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@1Happytwit: Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
@kirstiealley: I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
@ShittyComedian: So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn't Santa. LOL drugs.
@CorkyCrash: I'm happiest when people tell me "Don't be a hero" because there's absolutely no way I'm going to disappoint them.