A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
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Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
When I laugh on my period
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale