@bellicosejason: A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That's like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
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@slimmy_shady: My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
@david8hughes: [skydiving with my dog] Me: ur ears r inside out My dog: can't hear u my ears r inside out Me: it's the wind My dog: I think it's the wind
@tarashoe: i'd be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup