A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
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Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.