@bellicosejason: A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That's like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
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@mrjohndarby: My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
@MrsFancyPants77: I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it's not their fault that I'm scared of them. I do however, scream while doing so.
@UncleDuke1969: Me: He’s starting to stir! Wife: Shhhh. Me: OH MY GOD… Wife: Be quiet. Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE! Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
@TysonMarie: If you really think about it. Its kind of weird "yoga pants" are worn so much. That's like a guy wearing baseball pants to go get groceries