A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
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if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
❤️❤️❤️
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months