A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
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[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
That time Alicia messaged me
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value