A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
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Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen