@kelkulus: A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
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@mjkspeaks: [job interview] How did you lose your last job? "I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future." Sir, this is McDonald's.
@Tmoney68: A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
@jazmasta: They laughed at me when I bought Velcro sneakers but no one will be laughing when the great shoelace drought of 2044 comes
@UncleDuke1969: Frankenstein: Master go fishing? Igor: Yes. F: Master take worms? I: Yes. F: Master put on hook? I: Yup. F: Hehe...Master ba- I: Just don't.