@kelkulus: A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
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@BoogTweets: More like "science UN-fair" *I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava* *I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
@Phook75: The best time to leave the country is when a demonic voice screams your name from inside a locked basement
@JoshuaHvr: Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I'm Tweeting." Boss: "What's the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
@DebasaurusRex: Autocorrect, no matter how many times I tell you, I don't want anyone's duck in my can't.