@OhNoSheTwitnt: 🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
@ValeeGrrl: 5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE'RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN'T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You're doing GREAT.
@ElleOhHell: A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
@iwearaonesie: [hotel]
wife: I'm gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What'd you pick?
me: Space Jam
@BooFricketyHoo: Dried up sea monkeys taste nothing like chicken. Related: Never ever put your kids seamonkey packets near your cup o'noodles packets. Ever.
COMMENTS