A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
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got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
look at me when i’m typing to you
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.