@NoDomesticDiva: A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
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@JeremyKCMO: Ladies, here's a secret. The moment you are happy and over us, we will send you a text saying that we miss you.
@iamspacegirl: if squids were land animals sometimes you'd be walking along and you'd look up and BAM squid in a tree
@4handfuls: Him: Well, when life hands you lemons... Narrator: Life only needed him to hold the lemons so it could punch him in the face.
@seanscrap: Hello, Atheist Ghostbusters? Yes? I have a ghost in my bathroom. No, you don’t. Oh, right. Thanks so much! That’s why we’re here.