A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
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[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee