@NoDomesticDiva: A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
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@Fred_Delicious: [gets found guilty of murder] [sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat] [appeals] [gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
@LuckoftheDraw86: Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away... It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants. Amen.
@AverageCorners: "Grab a Pop Tart!" I tell my kids as I'm mixing up the dogs' breakfasts of organic, grain-free dog food with Greek yogurt and $85 vitamins.